Is it okay to fantasise about someone else when you’re having sex?

EdBennett — Tue, 23 Jun 2015 13:04:48 +0000

23 Jun 2015 - 14:04 | Tags: sex fantasies, casual sex, wisdom & pitfalls of casual sex

In relationships, fantasising about someone else whilst you’re having sex is often called ‘emotional cheating’. But is it? We all indulge in sexual fantasy as par for the course so it is it really that surprising that we often fantasise about people other than the person we’re actually having sex with at that point? I don’t think so and neither does respected sex therapist David Schnarch who interviewed for The Daily Beast a few years ago. Imagining yourself having sex with anyone other than your partner when masturbating for example is cited a normal healthy sexual behaviour. There is only a problem if you deprive your sexual partner of your attention to go and jack off in the bathroom over some porn star or video you’ve been watching.

Casual Sex and Fantasy
Casual sex probably allows us the most leeway when it comes to fantasising about other partners during sex. The whole nature of the relationship is almost anti-monogamy so fantasy is actively encouraged. However, even in a casual context, you can still fantasise too much whilst having sex. You can sometimes avoid sex in order to wank off to someone else you may have slept with in the past. These feelings are normal, but we have to learn when they become so powerful that they stop us from having good sex.

Fantasy is an aid not a replacement
The more we rely on our fantasies, the less present we will be during sex. A fantasy can never replace the reality. Sure, they can be heaps of fun and can encourage a lot of imagination in (and out) of the bedroom. But they are not suitable replacements for a really good shag.

Push the boundaries
In a monogamous relationship the new and excited feelings often associated with having sex with someone for the first time tend to disappear after a few months. You both know each other’s bodies fairly well and you both become nervous to try and take the next steps in upping the sexual ante. These boundaries can be pushed by indulging in each other’s fantasies and perhaps even exploring your kinks. If you’re not ready to try hardcore BDSM, then it’s okay to explore new positions, situations and places to have sex.

Casually Speaking
The boundaries are less clear with casual sex. You can push things earlier unafraid that even if your partner doesn’t engage, it doesn’t really matter as you can always find another partner who might. However it is important to remember not to let your fantasies overtake your reality. If you do, then the sex you have will be less enjoyable, less fulfilling and likely less frequent. Fantasy has its place, but don’t forget to be there for the sex.

Casual Sex: The Wisdom & The Pitfalls

EdBennett — Thu, 21 Nov 2013 09:00:00 +0000

21 Nov 2013 - 09:00 | Tags: wisdom & pitfalls of casual sex

We received quite a long email from a member of f-buddy recently that she gave permission for us to share on the site with you. The reason we wanted to share it is because it serves as a valid reminder as to the pros and cons of casual sex and when to continue or call it quits.

As such we’re now turning over the rest of this post to Clara, a 30 year old woman who works in the city. All names (including the author’s) in this story have been changed at the request of the author to protect and respect people’s right to privacy.

“Sex is one of those things that none of us can do without in order to maintain a healthy life. I’ve always believed that anyone who denies themselves this most basic of human instincts is damaging both their physical and mental health. As such I have always tried to maintain a healthy sex life in or out of a committed relationship.

However I did recently learn both the joy and the dangers casual sex can bring.

I broke up with my boyfriend Gareth about a year ago now and I remember for the first few weeks how lonely I felt. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do (Gareth had become a miserable depressed pig who was controlling and always brought me down), I missed him. Later I realised it wasn’t him I missed – it was the warmth and feeling of being with someone and having another body next to mine in the bedroom.

About a month after I’d split up with Gareth I signed up to f-buddy, not because I wanted to get into another relationship but because a friend suggested I should probably just have some fun and sleep around a bit. I met a guy off here called Harry. He was the complete opposite to what Gareth was – funny, kind, caring and one hell of a lover in the bedroom. On the first date we met we both agreed that it was going to be nothing more then fun and casual. He said he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend and as of right then he was only sleeping with me, but that it was highly possible that he would be with someone else soon as well. I said something similar to him and we carried on.

The sex was fantastic, and at first all I could see were the pros. It was not making me act like I usually did and I had no longing for him whatsoever when we weren’t together.

Everything was fine for about two months until one night we were having dinner and I realised that I had become a hypocrite. All those times I had told my friends off for fucking around with different guys just for fun, and now here I was doing exactly the same thing and loving it. Also I realised I was still missing Gareth, even though I knew he was an arrogant twat and totally wrong for me.

I told all of this to Harry over dinner and said that everything was great but what if I wanted more from then just sex in the future. He said it was fine and he understood, but that right now he didn’t want anything more and that as we had such good chemistry and were having fun, why spoil it?

The strange thing is, I knew he was right. I just couldn’t bring myself to carry on with him whilst I was feeling that way. So I thanked him for all the fun nights and wished him luck with his search. He smiled, gave me a hug and said that he understood.

I never saw him again and to this day, a part of me is still kicking herself for ending things prematurely with him. But the other part is glad I did. I just wanted a warm body next to mine. And that was when I learned why casual sex can be great and a curse at the same time.

My advice to all of you on this site is that as long as you remember that you’re in it just for the short term, and don’t think ahead too much then you can’t really go wrong. Also if you have just come out of a long term relationship, be cautious before plunging into casual sex. It can be great, but it can also bring up a lot of feelings that affect any casual sex you have.”

The team at f-buddy would like to thank Clara for allowing us to share her story. If you have a casual sex story you would like to share with us that you think would benefit other members of the site, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Happy fucking!

F Buddy - wisdom & pitfalls of casual sex

Is it okay to fantasise about someone else when you’re having sex?

Casual Sex: The Wisdom & The Pitfalls