F Buddy - polyamorous relationships

Monogamy is not our natural state

EdBennett — Mon, 29 Apr 2019 17:08:06 +0000

29 Apr 2019 - 18:08 | Tags: monogamy and sex, polyamorous relationships, having multiple fuck buddies

For most of us we are raised to believe that monogamy is our natural state. That to find and be with one person sexually, and only one person, is the right and correct thing to do. That is what we are taught by books, television and often our parents as well. The reality is that this is simply not the case. The rise of adult dating and the de-stigmatisation of having a fuck buddy or a friends with benefits is a sign that as a society we are changing and coming to a new way of understanding our relationships. There is a massive push towards being more open about non-monogamous relationships, and the more we talk about these things, the better. The two questions here are around whether monogamy is fundamentally flawed, and how easy is it to maintain long term relationships outside of monogamy?

There has always been a problem between intimacy and desire. If you want to be intimate with someone, you want to be having regular sex. The contact needs to be high to breed familiarity and with lots of repetition. However, these are the enemy of attraction. Desire thrives on novelty and the thrill of the unknown. It is tough to have both of these coexist. For a long time, in a monogamous setting, you were forced to accept that you had the thrill of attraction at the start, then later you lost that but gained intimacy. In today's world, is it possible to have both through a non-monogamous relationship? The simple answer is yes if done correctly.

For a long time, monogamy was about knowing if a baby was yours or not. If a woman had sex with multiple people, how do you know who the father is? In today's world of contraception, this is no longer an issue. Careful use of contraception means you can sleep with multiple people and always know that there is not going to be a pregnancy. This opens the door to having more than one partner.

The key is openness. Talking to your partner about what you want and why you want it is key to forging the life that you desire. People are often surprised to find that there are other ways to do it. If you want to sleep with someone else and so do they, threesomes are a surprisingly good solution if one of you wishes to explore someone of the same sex as them. Open relationships do not mean the end of a long term thing if it is good. People have fuck buddies on the side and that can work as long as everyone knows where they stand. There is always a danger of course… but I think that danger is always present for someone who desires more than just the one person that they are sleeping with.

So be open, talk to the people that you are sleeping with about how you feel and what you are looking for, and see if you can find the sexual life that you want.

Introduction To Polyamorous Relationships

EdBennett — Sat, 24 Jan 2015 11:31:45 +0000

24 Jan 2015 - 11:31 | Tags: polyamorous relationships, poly relationship advice

We haven’t talked about this for a while so what better time than January to discuss polyamorous relationships. In short this is a specific kind of casual relationship between two or more people. There are specific rules for conducting these relationships separate from the normal casual sex rules. We’re here to clear up a few of the myths and legends surrounding this ever growing community.

What is Polyamorous?
If you’re looking to open up an existing relationship to a third or even fourth party then you’re entering a polyamorous relationship. It basically involves having more than 2 people in a relationship at one time.

How do I know if I am polyamorous?
There is a distinct difference with a polyamorous relationship to another casual sex relationship. With standard casual sex you can have sex with any number of different partners. With a polyamorous relationship you agree to have sex with a specific number of different partners in an open and honest manner. Basically each member of the relationship knows about the others and agree that all parties will have sex with each other.

What about jealously issues?
The problem with this type of relationship is that it can create feelings of jealously amongst some or more members of the group. Unlike casual sex whereby you can shag about and not really have to think about who else your sexual partners are sleeping with, a polyamorous relationship means that you are always aware of your partners and their habits. However there is a way to deal with this in the relationship. Polyamorous relationships try to deal with the jealously straight away by cultivating a state of ‘compersion’. Compersion is a state in which you derive pleasure from seeing your partner with other lovers.

Commitment?
Generally this is defined in the same way as other relationships: openness and honesty at all times.

Conflict within the relationship?
This is always worked out best by being open and honest to all parties. Unlike in a monogamous relationship where things can be compartmentalised and hidden, in a polyamorous relationship things must be addressed openly. Good communication is key to dealing with conflict.

Is it for me?
If you’ve read any of this and feel you strongly identify with aspects of it, then you might be leaning towards a more polyamorous lifestyle than just casual sex. Try it out if you feel this way. If not, carry on as usual.

Polyamorous? Here are some tips...

jeni — Tue, 28 May 2013 08:22:32 +0000

28 May 2013 - 09:22 | Tags: poly relationship advice, polyamorous relationships

We’ve talked a lot about how great casual sex can be. We haven’t really discussed the difference between a regular fuck buddy and a polyamorous relationship. You’re clued up people, so we’re going to assume you’re as intelligent as we are. And as you know intelligent people can sometimes make really dumb mistakes, which is why we’re going to provide some brief guidance on polyamorous relationships.

What’s the difference between a fuck buddy and a polyamorous relationship?
You probably already know this, but in case you don’t a fuck buddy is someone you meet up with purely for sex. A polyamorous relationship is the practise and acceptance of having more than one intimate sexual relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Unlike casual sex where you will not know (or wish to know) the other sexual partners a f-buddy may or may not have, a poly relationship entails everyone knowing everyone else.

How do I know if a polyamorous relationship is right for me?
The truth is you won’t really know unless you try it or ask yourself a few questions about what you want first. If you are someone who’s literally just here for casual sex with as many different partners as possible, then you probably don’t want a deeper emotional connection beyond that. With a ‘poly’ relationship, there is a lot more trust and openness involved. In many cases each member of the relationship agrees to be completely open as to what they’re up to with other people. Usually all members know and approve of every other person you’re sleeping with.

The Pitfalls
Due to the nature of a poly relationship, it is easy to develop both stronger and sometimes more negative feelings. Jealousy can rear its ugly head far more often the in a simple fuck buddy encounter. That is why anyone in a poly relationship must be prepared to establish some ground rules at the start and be very sure and honest about what they need – and this is an important word – from the relationship.

Is it cheating?
Categorically NO! One of the things polyamory is not is cheating. It can be one individual pursuing multiple relationships or a group of individuals all agreeing to sleep with only each other. You can be single and not in a relationship and still be polyamorous providing you’re not looking to enter into a monogamous relationship. Honesty and consent once again provide the crucial difference here.

Be honest about what you want
We might sound like a stuck record, but this is crucial for a polyamorous relationship to work. If you try to be a ‘good’ poly person you’re starting out from what you think other people expect and doing them and yourself no favours at all.

Believe your partners
Questioning everything about what your partners are doing is a sure fire way to disaster. Trust them and yourself and you’ll find you all have a much better time.

Remember your partners are separate from you
This comes down to expectation. One of the most wonderful aspects of humanity is that we’re all different, with separate thoughts, feelings and expectations. Be honest about what you want and don’t try to expect your partners to want exactly the same thing you do.

Have fun!
Relationships are important…but they’re about having fun with people you care about. Why be in them otherwise? Remember to be silly, play, laugh and have fun with each other. After all isn’t that the point?