In relationships, fantasising about someone else whilst you’re having sex is often called ‘emotional cheating’. But is it? We all indulge in sexual fantasy as par for the course so it is it really that surprising that we often fantasise about people other than the person we’re actually having sex with at that point? I don’t think so and neither does respected sex therapist David Schnarch who interviewed for The Daily Beast a few years ago. Imagining yourself having sex with anyone other than your partner when masturbating for example is cited a normal healthy sexual behaviour. There is only a problem if you deprive your sexual partner of your attention to go and jack off in the bathroom over some porn star or video you’ve been watching.
Casual Sex and Fantasy
Casual sex probably allows us the most leeway when it comes to fantasising about other partners during sex. The whole nature of the relationship is almost anti-monogamy so fantasy is actively encouraged. However, even in a casual context, you can still fantasise too much whilst having sex. You can sometimes avoid sex in order to wank off to someone else you may have slept with in the past. These feelings are normal, but we have to learn when they become so powerful that they stop us from having good sex.
Fantasy is an aid not a replacement
The more we rely on our fantasies, the less present we will be during sex. A fantasy can never replace the reality. Sure, they can be heaps of fun and can encourage a lot of imagination in (and out) of the bedroom. But they are not suitable replacements for a really good shag.
Push the boundaries
In a monogamous relationship the new and excited feelings often associated with having sex with someone for the first time tend to disappear after a few months. You both know each other’s bodies fairly well and you both become nervous to try and take the next steps in upping the sexual ante. These boundaries can be pushed by indulging in each other’s fantasies and perhaps even exploring your kinks. If you’re not ready to try hardcore BDSM, then it’s okay to explore new positions, situations and places to have sex.
Casually Speaking
The boundaries are less clear with casual sex. You can push things earlier unafraid that even if your partner doesn’t engage, it doesn’t really matter as you can always find another partner who might. However it is important to remember not to let your fantasies overtake your reality. If you do, then the sex you have will be less enjoyable, less fulfilling and likely less frequent. Fantasy has its place, but don’t forget to be there for the sex.
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